Friday, February 27, 2009
in the early morning march
with my buddy by my side
and the aching in my arms
with my body full of sweat
i'm a long long way from home
and i miss my mama so
in the early morning march
and the cold wind blows.
and the cold wind blows
and the cold wind blows
and the cold wind blows
and the cold wind blows
and the cold wind blows
i know, i know
you have to go
so hurry back home
cos' i miss you so.we sang that song on every occasion after dinner.
something to look forward till friday...
oh well. i got to have a positive thinking because it's going to my part of my rest of 2 years serving my part for the country.
green green green:)at
10:21 pm
Sunday, February 22, 2009
it's not good.
tomorrow is back to hell camp. i'll have another 5 days of hell week and the hell week last till april 10th. it's still a long way. i'm not counting the days but i don't think i can take the training. it's going to get tough and things won't be easy.
i'm still having her on my head. she called me late last night because she said she couldn't sleep. she had an arguement with her parent and yeah she was scared of something. whatever it is, i just want her to be strong and i think she can do it, very well. i know she can. i think she's moving on fine in her life.
i just feel so useless. training, her.. i don't know how it will be starting tomorrow. i just can't wait to look forward to friday. i'll pray hard that everything it's going to be ok.
i hope things are ok for you as well.
green green green:)at
8:23 pm
Saturday, February 21, 2009
REGRETthe first 2 days training was horrible for me. i had my mind on only one thing, misery thinking about sara. she's on my mind during and off training. this is a serious issue, i have never felt like this before and i think it's hurting me bad. i don't know if i could take the training for another 2 months. soc training will push you the the beyond limits. they'll bring you down and then slowly work you up again. here i am trying to think positively, but i couldn't i just kept thinking of her, i keep thinking of her every night, during training, i miss her with every single beat.
i'm not sure if i could take this, really. i had the verge on quitting and dropping out from the course but my mother told me to go on, my cousin who was in soc before told me to carry on with the training. just bare with it. i think if i were happy, i could take the training, but right now, i don't think i can because something is pulling me down, not her, but because i let myself down. she's been always on my mind eversince. i couldn't help it. i cried secretly the first night after the whole training. it really felt like we were tortured. well, i felt as if i was tortured.
i want to be happy, because i know she's happy.. but i can't.. i really can't. i want to move on because i have nothing now but i can't. i realised what kept me going before was her being around me. and now i just regretted it. but i will cherish those moments. i actually started writing the green book again when back then we decided to write on a book of our own entries into the same book. it was something like our book where we will jote down our almost daily entries.
p.s.
if you are reading this, please call me. i tried calling you, tried calling your house. you said you'll be there for me at least as a friend. right now, i really need you now. i'm sorry if i disturbed you in any ways, but i really need you. i need motivations. i hope you're doing well. take care.
missing you still...
green green green:)at
8:14 am
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
i woke up early today getting ready for my posting, i still felt very heavy in me. so we were brought to the queenstown base from HTA and the quarters there are terrible. i couldn't look on any bright side, i won't know if i'll pass out with a red beret. it's even worse when you don't know you quarters mate, you don't have anyone to call or whine your day about at night.
it's really killing me already, i'm still hurt by my own actions, i know i can never bring it back for good.
FOR GOOD.
i guess my ns life won't be an eventful and interesting one already. on top of that, i'm already messed up, broken, shattered. i'm really fucking messed up. i hope meeting her tomorrow would make me feel better, i know i gained nothing from it but maybe having her by my side for that short while would do good enough.
green green green:)at
7:32 pm
Monday, February 16, 2009
glenn fredly - januari
i was listening to that song on my friend's ipod this morning and it was really sad. the funny thing that why he has it on his ipod is because he's a chinese.. and he has a whole load of ST 12 songs on his ipod. how cool is that? even i don't listen to st 12! hahahha.
i booked in yesterday quite early and i felt things were missing, things were shattering apart, things were just broken. i couldn't sleep although i was very very tired because i woke up early yesterday morning. i could feel that i'm very tired but something is just not right, something that will make me realise that i'm on my own now.
the morning class was cancelled so we could actually rest in our barracks. what we meant rest, in police term was sleeping. so we slept from 9 plus all the way till 1130. it was a good rest, i woke up feeling fresh and hungry. another part of me was that i actually dreamt of her again and i couldn't help but to put it aside.
i'm back home now, still drifted away thinking something that will never be true for now, not at this moment. i have to have my rest because tomorrow will be a big day for me, i'll be posted to queenstown SOC base, for probably 2 months or worse the rest of my remaining ns life. i should be ready for the tough training, if not i'll just cry one corner.
GOODBYE HTA,
HELLO QUEENSTOWN BASE!
green green green:)at
6:25 pm
Saturday, February 14, 2009
back when we were we kids
we would always know when to stop
and now all the good kids are messing up
nobody has gained or accomplished
anything...that was actually quoted off from a song by mew, comforting sounds. it's a very nice sad song with a tragic melody.
things are still going nowhere for me, the 2 weeks training course was really a waste of time. half of the time, i feel like a prisoner only that we don't really have a cell to live in. most of the time my mind start to think of her and i'll have pictures of her running on my mind. i'll start to imagine stuff what could have been done and how is she better off without me, having someone else on her side everytime. it really sucks when you're in camp thinking all of these when you have no one to talk to because most of the squadmates you're not close to.
my heart sinks everytime i start thinking about her, every night when i go to bed with the camp's smelly pillow, i'll curl myself up and the pillow sips my tears away. i guess no wonder it is smelly. i'll start to feel cold and panicky for no reason. i kept thinking all of these was karma and it's happening, don't know if i should deserve it but it's killing me. but there's no turning back now, there's no rewinding of time and ammending those moments that could have been a better one.
i finally come to a point that i realised it's all over and that i had lost everything. everything that i once thought seems perfect... i've been living in my own nutshell all the while for too long...
i need comforts right now, i need me to find myself, i need my ipod, i need the beach, i need a getaway.
green green green:)at
9:09 am
Sunday, February 01, 2009
soundcheck: lady gaga - just dance
i'm going back to camp later this evening. infact i'll be there for another 2 weeks and i'm out of there. i'll be then posted to queenstown base, which i heard the training is much much tough compared to HTA. but it's another 2 months of training there and i'll start working in shifts and all, hopefully i'll get the red beret.
on the goog side, my mind's going to be occupied when i'm in camp only certain hours when it's totally boring and you have nothing to do, i'll probably drift myself to think of something, someone else.
the bad side, hmm no wait there's no bad side. the only bad side is that i'm still staring into nowhere thinking about things that could have been done. i feel so lost.
faiz turns 22 yesterday, happy birthday faiz! he had a small makan-makan at sembawang park and the breeze was cooling.
green green green:)at
5:02 pm
