Talk Show On Mute

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

now everyday i wake up, my toes curl up. i become more traumatized each day. i hope i had never been born. i am such a disgrace. i want peace, always wanted that. but received none. there's nothing to congratulate me. i'm now certified a disaster in everyone's life. including myself. i derserved to be burnt. in hell forever. god please help me, wherever you are, i'm losing grip. i've been a bad person all these while. i don't deserve anything good but just bad. pure badness. sadness lives in me. goodbye. i'll be back if everything is fine. but i guess it won't be now till forever. for now, i'm sorry whoever i've hurted alot. i deserve to be burnt. there's no more the grass is always greener on the other side. bullshit if that will happened someday. goodbye mohd johan. goodbye people. i will face the darkness, the torture. goodbye.

green green green:)
at 4:58 pm

Thursday, April 20, 2006

soundcheck: what if god was one of us - alanis morissette

this is one nice stone song. i remember karaoke-ing this song last time during my primary school time. AHAHA. and no i no longer karaoke. i don't go kbox also ok? anyway, it's nice listening to this song. and also, my mind is somewhat at ease. i think she's finally moving on. i hope she continues too, i really do hope.

and as for me, i'm just hoping life would be fine. haha who doesn't? i guess i shouldn't be thinking to much, if something really goes my way, i'll be happy for it. for instance, having something always these few days on my mind and dreaming about it most of the times. hahaha, but dreams are dreams man. hmm anyway, i'm thinking again of shutting this blog down. yes once again. this blog already is almost 3 years plus. lots of memories shits inside man.. haha..

so i would need to pole votes again. simply just tag me YES, to keep the blog going on. or NO to end it with a last entry and no more, music-freak-johan. hahaha. i'll be hearing from you guys, whoever that bothers reading and bothers tagging. i doubt i'd be getting alot of votes. hahhaa, nobody bothers to read this dull blog lah. enjoy tagging YES or NO.

green green green:)
at 12:31 am

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

soundcheck: me against the world - simple plan

i must end this. you should too. i'm going to promise myself not to hurt anyone anymore. not ever. i hope you'll be strong, you must move on. forget me, i've done enough damage to you, forget me, you don't need to remember someone so cold hearted like me. please do forget me, please. the last thing i would want to know is you moving on, forgetting the past, start a brand new one. and not crying all along because it's not worth to cry for somebody is who bad, cold hearted enough. you have got to try harder. hmm i've found out that being in a relationship is tough enough, but having hurting someone, it's even worse. i don't know if i'm ready for a relationship.

i'm so confused now. i just want life easy, smooth going. but that only happens in dream, not reality. i made a friend, a pen and a paper. i write all of those down. trying to let go of my emotions. i also made a new friend. i guess, we're having almost the same problem i assume. but we also share the same stuff, music for instance. it's good thing to share stuff. there's something common we have, but getting to know more is always also a good start. my life now is scattered all over the place like a jigsaw puzzle.

first i need to do, is ammend myself. i'm hoping especially the one i hurt badly, would too. i have just ruin someone's life and my own pride. i feel like i'm the disaster in everything, just everything. but i'll keep in mine i won't hurt another soul. not now, not ever, not will, not in this time.

~~i think i deserved all the bad stuff that is happening to me?~~

and nobody said it was easy. goodnight.

i can't wait for school to start. actually, i am really really looking forward to higher nitec. i want to do well there, work hard in that new course i took up. i want to show what i'm made up of. i don't want history repeating where i failed to do all of these. i want to be active in sports again. i want to take lots of sports. keep myself away from thinking all of these clouded thoughts. i have an orientation on the 28th. new friends again, new school, new course. i just want life easy. i want life happy going. ITE Dover, here i come.

green green green:)
at 9:33 pm

Sunday, April 16, 2006

soundcheck: island in the sun - weezer

it's already going to be 1230am. i'm here listening to weezer. old school shit man, damn stoning. so i just got back from work. after work, my colleague, leslie and i went jogging for a round in the zoo. we really did speed up lah. being him, a long distance runner, it's a good motivation. during jogging, my mind was relax, i was all set to hit whatever targets i set for, especially the timing.

after jogging, i was back emoing to myself. i was quite energetic to do another round, but i can't be bothered. so we slacked at night safari, waited for my other 2 colleagues, they were actually fixing the wagons for tomorrow. so after waiting for they all, we ate at bongos and slacked till 11? around there lah. of course i really didn't had time to chill because half the time i was so dazed, very cold, going toilet afew times. damn i don't know why i'm dazed, actually more to emoing to myself. i can't help it lah. but there's nothing i could do. it's just too good to be true. and of course that writing i wrote 2 days before or something, it explains it all. ohh look, i have a zebra in my house... that is what people call, RANDOM.

well, i guess i'll just go with the flow for now. hmm.....

hahaha, i couldn't hope anymore. there's no chance definately. besides, i'm way too kental. in other words, i'm like shit compared to others.

ohh weezer is nice lah. island in the sun is good. old school man. stoning rocks still.

green green green:)
at 12:18 am

Friday, April 14, 2006

and all the roads we have to walk are winding,
and all the lights that leads us there are blinding.
there are many things that i would like to say you,
but i don't know how.

i was listening to led zeppelin. i think they are one scary shit. yeah, they play good rocknroll shit and all but i was listening to a whole lotta love, freaky man the background noises. anyway, i guess the SAGA ends here. i couldn't say more. it's damn good to be true. damn damn good. oh well, here i am again, back living my shitty life.

Hello Mohd Johan!

i've been listening to alot alot alot of songs lately. i also browsed for lyrics to sooth my emo feeling yet again. now i'm double the emo. emo sucks i tell you. emo nemo.emo limo. ok that was random. i'm still looking through what i actually wrote yesterday and i guess that no one would understand unless i explained it or if it's written BIGGER?

training wasn't much of help. i injured my left knee after someone tried to tackle my knee instead of the ball. THE FREAKING BALL! i'm having abit of a trouble to walk properly. and my fitness sucks. so tomorrow, i am going to jog. please don't rain till 8pm. if it rains, let it be from 8.45am till 6.30pm. not after my working hours. well it rains after my working hours, i want it to rain from 8.30pm onwards. ok this is going nowhere because it's not like i have some plug or a switch on switch off button to operate rain! YES RAIN!

i'm listening to some old school M. Nasir song. Mentera Semerah Padi. and NO, it's not emo! NO it's not.

it's a damn cold night,
trying to figure out this right
won't you take me by the hand,
take me somewhere new
i don't know who you are
but i'm..
i'm with you.

now, that is emo. ok EMO! ok incase you didn't know. that was from avril lavigne's song. the so called "rebel" girl. rigggght.

ok bye.

green green green:)
at 11:31 pm

yet another night, i'm keeping myself awake. i'm not sure why. i have work tomorrow, on top of that, i have training in the evening. i'm so confussssed! i just want to run away. run away. run away!

This Is Life
Looking in the mirror,
Talking to myself.
Asking the same question everyday.
What else is there to say?
This is life.

Tired of living my life,
In such a disguise.
No more happy masks.
Just to find back myself, I must.
This is life.

Still lost,
Finding, wandering.
Looking for myself.
Hoping one day,
I’ll find my way.
This is life.
this was written long ago. these few days, i'm actually reading those past writings i wrote. i don't know why.
------------------------------------------
i just wish i could lie somewhere
dream that i could fly into open air
was my life filled with questions?
i wish i could have them all burnt

in this world we live in
i just don't know what it all means
ohh please someone, please anybody
i need an answer, can anyone hear me?

let me fly so high, i'll be kissing the sky
i don't ever want to stop flying, it sets me free
i'm too far, too distant, no one can hear me
ohh, it's such a pity

are my thought playing with me?
are you playing with my thoughts?
i need to hear from your part
the stamps i received, i can't just discard

goodnight now, goodnight to you
i guess it's too good to be true
this is a rough writing
but i hope it was much for an understanding

i opened my eyes, stars were at my sight
i realised, i was dreaming the whole night
maybe sadly it ends here,
but i would really want to get to know you better

but dreams are dreams
in the world we live in
i'm still finding out what it all means
but reading all these, i hope you got the hint.

ok, that wasn't really a poem. it's a random writing. words was flying around, so i made them rhymed. enjoy. goodnight.

green green green:)
at 12:01 am

Thursday, April 13, 2006

soundcheck: if i were you - hoobastank

it's a dull greyish thursday. hmm i want to get games. i want to intall CS back on my computer. maybe i just need time to occupy myself for now. i'm slowly picking up the pieces i've left behind. though i still do think about the past.. it's weird sometimes, you're so high at one point and plow! you got smack face first onto the ground. interesting ehh?

BABY, DID YOU FORGET TAKE YOUR MEDS?

hmm i've been wondering, i never had a pair of sneakers before.. those old school converse. hahaha. but i don't think i'll look good in them. hmm and also, i need a new school shoes. i want wanna work hard man. i need to listen sum 41's motivation. ok that was random.

ANYWAY;
good morning/afternoon singapura!

green green green:)
at 12:01 pm

soundcheck: meds - placebo

confusing ehh. life is full of twists and turns, so much of the drama, so of the action. so much of the ups and downs. doesn't that give you a rough idea of DIA, that indonesia series, cum soap drama. the series goes non stop. anyway, i'm so dreadful. i'm trying my best to look ahead every day. i downloaded afew new songs. placebo is a yes! i think the album would sound interesting too. this is one of the singles you're listening through my blog. nice. i have a reason to sleep late, so please excuse me.

i'm ready for school, baby. watch me out with those stoned eyes, i'll rock you all down. sorry that was random. but i am looking forward to school.

shopping anyone? bags, shoes, pencils, pens, ruler, eraser, pencil case, basically school stuff. OHH, movies too?

kl hockey trip was quite too late to be announced, i could'nt find replacement that fast. i'm missing hockey already. i'm not the sporty sport ass person no more. goodbye nike shoes.

i know a friend, her name is helena.
she wants to be blogged.
she works at night safari.
she has a dimple, i realised.
we listen almost to the same genres.
support the local band.
i think we're having 2 bad scenarios.

like i said, life is full of twists and turns. hmm, still, i'm struggling to wake up in the morning thinking that i've never hurt a soul.

baby, did you forget to take your meds?
life is random. listen to ipod. good night singapura.

green green green:)
at 12:52 am

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

soundcheck: bayside - masterpiece

life really is a rollercoaster. been having that stoned, dazed, staring into nothing lately most of the times. i know it sounds normal for me to do that, but it was more of an ~~emo~~ thingy of doing that instead of just plain stoned lah. well, i actually promised myself not to be ~~emo~~ often, and if i want to be, there should be a valid reason.

i'm quite pissed with starhub and singtel. because they've not send me a bill yet and it's already the 11th of april. usually my bills would come on the 27th-30th onwards. pissed off. they just know i have alot of money. i'm also waiting for my debit card which i just applied for 2 3 weeks ago. irritating, it seems like i haven't got any letter from POSB also. why am talking about money man?

school's starting real soon, i've got to get all my stuff ready. i'm quite lucky that i barely made it into mechatronics. it's also thanks to my uncle that he actuall helped me get in higher nitec. well i just want to pursue my study further. as far as i can now. what i need now is self motivation and i need to work hard now. i know it may sound easy but i guess it's going to be tough than the 2 years course i had. for that, i wish myself all the best. i want to be active in sports when i start school again. so i don't actually have a tummy that is bulging out. i got to stay fit rather than sit at home, not going for hockey trainings, self jogging or training around the stadium, eating junk at home.

i am going to call singtel and starhub tomorrow, before they add my bill to my next one. i'll slit their throats. ok i need to get some sleep now. i just saw my roster, i'm not rostered for work tomorrow, i'm on standby 1. lucky i checked, or else it'll be like that day when i went to work, i was actually on standby 2. irritating. oh well i thought of jogging at work tomorrow. but too bad unless only when i'm activated. i get to sleep again i guess?

green green green:)
at 11:54 pm

Monday, April 03, 2006

and so, life has totally passed by me and i thought it was pretty easy it gets tougher. today, life will never be same like how it was use to last june 06 2005. i have to face the fact that i spoil, i ruin, i'm the disaster in everything, everyone.

sara, this is it. do pick yourself up soon. i wish you all the best in everything you do.

i'm too lost, i'm in a sudden break down.

i'll be back when i'm ready. till then.

green green green:)
at 6:34 pm