the reward for yesterday's training is this, my whole body is aching. how nice right. it's very typical of me not to warm down after training or any matches. and this is the result. i feel so stiff. ohh well i hope i'm working tomorrow. please please please. hmm i think they won't call me now since it's abit late. i'll be at home wasting my time then. at least now, i should feel much comfortable at work now. most of my friends got the job at the zoo. i'll see them this saturday for the induction. all the best!
i feel abit worried now. she has not replied me back yet. i think there's something wrong. i read her blog but she was fine, read that she was going to the zoo. hopefully she'll reply me back. i'm getting abit worried. hmm..
i noticed that there aren't any stars today. sad.. must be because of the haze thingy. yesterday had so many stars around. i tried counting, which was dumb, i know! but if i'm not wrong it had 40plus heh. around woodlands here. of course i didn't had anything better do to.
green green green:)
at 9:37 pm
this reminds me of my secondary school days. staying up late listening to the radio. i was listen to perfect 10 and i heard the graduation song. it really reminds me of my sec 4. lots of stuff happened. i know somehow my class was happening. 4N3 2003 really rocks. haha, i still could remember all of us got punished infront of the office and we made lots of trouble la. haha those were really memories. we got punished almost every part of the school. i think i was a useless chairman la.. haha oh well. enough about 2003. i missed that year so much.
moving on, went for work in the morning and went straight for training, had the ben&jerry's brownie. it was really delicious. i think i would finish that up damn fast if i was really craving for it, which i was la. haha. hmm didn't get to see sara at work today coz she got an mc about her tailbone. i hope she's doing alright. hope everything goes well for her. been thinking so much about her these few days.. probably i'm missing her badly.. hahaha.. i'm also thinking that i've done nothing much for her. i mean nothing good i've done. sigh. probably i'll do something good if we meet up next time. she's busy with work this week so i won't get to see her for the whole week. probably won't see her next week too. just hope she's doing well. she sounds really happy when i talk to her sometimes. that means it's good. i'm happy to hear her so joyful. :)
training today was tiring but altogether it was fun. it's nice to train with the team you've been training with them since we were all a 9 year old fat small boys. i'm really trying my best to get ready for u18, but am not looking forward to it because i know i won't play my best, like in under 21. i've not scored any goals for any of the tournaments this year. maybe this season, it's not meant for me. but whatever it is, i'll be trying my best, even if it takes me and cheering from the bench. i think i should be quite used to that since pri 6. i don't think i'll be able to prove myself to the new coach. my dream is still be with the premier team no matter what. but dreams do fade away someday. even about dreaming of playing for singapore was long gone. hhaha. i couldn't go that far. ohh well. but hockey training for the next few days will be fun. it's fun training with the people u know for so long.
what i'm quite afraid is that the u18 matches might clash with my work. and i don't want that to happen because at the same time, i plan to earn as much as i can to support myself and probably my mother. i have this wild thinking of going shopping to get myself a new cap, a new belt, a pair of jeans, guess they have to be put aside until i'm quite steady when everything would go fine, when my bills are all settled. i can't believe i'm broke now. it's damn weird asking money from my mother because you don't feel like spending that money but i have no choice but still to spend it. anyway, back to the hockey matches. i hope i could find replacement if they however clash with my work. and i can't believe that i'm an entrance ic for one of the weekend. i'll probably screw it up. hahaha. hmm ok, i'm going to stone again now.. did you know, the stars today were so bright, and there were a number of them. hmm, i guess she's asleep now also.
green green green:)
at 1:16 am
Sunday, May 29, 2005
haha. it's been a long time since the few of us hang out. i think the last time we did that was on benji's birthday, and usually it's just a dinner and then back home. felt like my secondary school days back. ohh well. anw, we went to jurong point to orchard to somerset. of coz not forgetting hmv. was looking for new bands and new albums but sadly they're not that interesting except for hot hot heat. still waiting for my pay, hopefully i get to buy and interesting album and listen for that one whole month. but first i need to settle all my debts and bills.
i've been having this toothache since 2 days ago and it's not doing any better now. i think maybe if it's not helping, i seriously need to go for a dental checkup. oh well, i hope it recovers soon. coz it goes up to my head and my whole head feels like spinning. ok hahah that was drama. but yea it hurts up to my head. anyway, i'm working tomorrow. i'm starting work at 1030am. hopefully it's going to be a busy day coz i don't want it to be a boring day. coz i guess weekdays are not like weekends. ohh well.
anyway, to conclude all of this, i've decided to put this music on my blog. i think it's damn stone. ohh shoots, tomorrow after work, i'm going for training. ok. looking forward to it coz i know it'll be tiring. im going to make use of my holidays. yes i will!
green green green:)
at 11:14 pm
Friday, May 27, 2005
i've found out a new band, well not really new, just that i was surfing on towerrecords.com and i came across this band, Bayside. it's quite a nice band to listen to. though the vocals isn't much interesting but they're kind of nice to listen to. anyway, i just got back home. and it was nice and all, the weather was nice, everything went smoothly for her. hahha glad she's feeling fine too. i was very much speechless. i didn't expect much yet, but it all went smoothly. that's the good part. anyway, we've catch star wars! hear that people, star wars! all you people haven't go watch please go watch but don't drink too much water or you'll feel on kind halfway through the movie. the movie was good. although i'm not really a die hard fan of star wars, but i do understand the story line. hahaha..
i'm still feeling abit speechless, i seriously don't know what to say, but i'm really feeling happy for her that she's happy. looking forward to see her at work on saturday. i'm just so overwhelmed and speechless right now. i just read her blog, i seriously think so far she's one of the accomplished poets la. she can start to write all of them and make it into a book. hahaha. i bet she's flying right now after reading this. her head will grow so big that she'll start to levitate. ahahaha. whatever it is, i'm happy that she's happy.
tmr i have training from 6-8, should be looking forward to it. i want to get ready for under 18 though i am nothing much contributed to the team, i just felt like i want to show what i'm really made of. i think i need training, coz i know it'll pay off someday.
i'm very glad to see she's so joyful today. hmm i msged her but she haven't reply yet, maybe she's asleep. well goodnight to her, and to my friends, goodnight singapura!
green green green:)
at 12:03 am
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
i hope the interview for my friends went well. i hope probably all of them get the job. it's sad to see some of the colleagues leaving due to NS and such. those were the few i'm closest to. but anyway, hope they'll come back to work there. anyway i can't wait till tomorrow. :) we're going out again, after a long time. but then we must this time seriously talk things out coz we both don't want us to be in misery. oh well, let's pray for the best. congrats to the SAJC hockey team, they came in 3rd. i heard it was a tough fight. wah now deepan on a goal scoring spree man. ahhaha. ohh.. i'm really addicted to Pearl Jam's old song. Last Kiss. it's really an old song man, very slow nice melodic song. hahaha that song was my primary school days. goodness! go download you pirates!!! or if you have it, listen to it again. it's really slow and nice!
that was a quick entry.
OHH! later, Liverpool and AC Milan! i think benji's coming over to stay and watch.
wah.. it's been a long time since i've watch soccer man.
ok i'm off to raid the fridge again, i still feel hungry.
i hope she's doing fine, met her at NS. she looked abit tired.
green green green:)
at 9:36 pm
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
so been working for the past 3 days. am really tired. 8am-6.30pm is really tiring. it's not about counting the money and tearing tickets and such. it's just way way too tiring. we have to carry prams and those wagons back to the store room and the customers can't take good care of them. so we do the dirty work. not say i'm asking for too much but come on, if we can co operate with them why can't they?
so hockey training was a disaster! it was on friday and my body still aches! and the A Div SAJC guy's team didn't qualify for finals. hanis, deepan and all were damn sad. anyway they're playing 3rd and 4th. wish them all the best! i'm somewhat looking forward to Under 18 tournament. i want to outshine myself. though i'm not convinced to my new coach yet, but i'll try. it all take lots of training. not saying i want to be the outstanding, but just a normal player who he really looks up to. so training is back to intensive this whole holiday. u18, here we come!
tomorrow, there'll be an interview for my friends because they wanted to work in the zoo also. so i tried arranging with my senior about the interview and she said they need people. hopefully all of them get to work there. i'm sick of working with the same people. they're really not a good bunch except afew of them. but it's fun working there. oh well, i'm just hoping for my friends to get the job. then it'll be whole lot better working with them.
i hate people talking behind back. especially when they describe the fellar whom they're talking about and not mentioning the name but it's obvious.. VERY VERY OBVIOUS. oh well, i can't say anything good or bad, who am i to judge anyway. we're all not perfect. i'm definately not perfect due to my sensitive negative thinking. maybe i have my rights to write my thoughts here. she has her rights to write her thoughts. whoever's not fine, can simply just stop reading. no offence though i bet my friends would agree with that. i mean why would they call it a blog, an online diary then? oh well. i'm not going any further coz it's useless. i don't want any conflicts. i seriously think conflict sucks and it'll lead to misunderstanding and such. so i'll just bother myself. if i'm the person you can't stand. please keep it to yourself, if she's the person you can't stand, please keep it to yourself.
and we have people who can't stand it now because it's written on my blog. my blog, her blog, whoever's blog, they're all just blogging about daily life. of course i know i seriously need help but not until to make it look so bad that i'm really in a situation where it's really end of the world. it's just that people gets so emotionally breakdown and stuff like these, it'll last for quite sometime. but they'll carry themselves up back, they'll motivate themselves back. i know someday i will. it's kind of irritating for me because i seriously despise people talking behind back. but ya, who am i to say such things. everyone has their they're own saying. ohh.. go on saying then. i know i have such low thinking about myself and i think the world is really going to end.
ohh. so much for holidays, i thought things are going well and we have people talking behind back. it's really sad, but that is life. hmm.. on the better side, listen to Hot Hot Heat, Goodnight Goodnight. it's really catchy.. i hope my pay is enough to visit HMV and buy an album, any nice album, though i have lots of bills to settle and i'm practically surviving on my own, concession pass i pay, hp and internet bills i pay, i'm too scared to ask for money from my parents. i know they've suffered much. i don't want history to be repeating. probably once i settle all my bills and debts, and if there's still balance left, i'll give them to my parents. that was why i wanted to work part time. i need to support them. only my father's working and i don't think he's earning much. my sister is helping us but she needs to support her family too. so i somehow need to work my part. i hope i'm doing my best.
i'm going to do my NS differment tomorrow, i need to call for further assistance about the differment because i want to continue studying for another 2 years. adn then only go NS. i need to ask them how because, i graduate this year and if i get the course i want in higher nitec, i can't go NS first. but let's pray it all goes smoothly, i still want to be a PE TEACHER and the key to that is NIE. i need my diploma. i'll work my ass of slowly. step by step. i want to aim 2.5 at least for my gpa this semester. i'll know it soon before school starts.
anyway to all my friends who're still schooling this week, hang in there! i can't wait till it's over, then we all can meet again. though most things aren't going well but yes, i finally get to meet them again. we need to plan for an outing.
green green green:)
at 3:33 pm
Friday, May 20, 2005
i just got back from the mosque. it's going to be 3 soon and i think i want to go for training. it has been a long time since i've touch my hockey stick. u18 tournament is coming soon and i think i need to get ready for it. these few days, i've been thinking too many negative stuff which i'm not supposed to. i've made her felt angry and pissed because of me. i've done nothing good to her, i'm such a pain to her. i wish things could've gone better. and the only way to solve it is me. i'm a jinx to her. i like her but things aren't going well. sigh.. so maybe we might meet tomorrow, i need to seriously straighten things with her and also pass to her what i've bought for her recently. so i hope maybe we could meet up tomorrow if her work ends early. hmm maybe i'll message her later at night after her work finishes because i think she's really busy with work right now and i don't want her to get in trouble anymore.
NorSara:
hey, incase if you're reading this, i'm really sorry about yesterday. maybe it was just me, it was my fault. but i'm really sorry about it and i hope you forgive me. i didn't want you to feel the way you're feeling right now. you know that's the last thing on my mind right? i just want you to be happy, be that strong girl who can always bully me. i hope things are going fine for you. i know we're both in a situation where it's very emotional, hard and complicating to solve things out. but no matter, we'll go through this together. hmm maybe we have to meet up one day. i still want to watch star wars with you. anyway for time being.. you just take care, no matter what, i promise i'll be there for you, just like what you said.
green green green:)
at 2:27 pm
Thursday, May 19, 2005
i can't get to sleep obviously. it's the wee hours now. everyone's in bed. i don't know about me. i've been thinking too many stuff and right now, i think things aren't going the way i planned. i will definately, definately!!! end up miserable. i can predict it too well. i'll be in the dark, no wait, i've always been in the dark. i guess my life was meant to make as a sad, depressed teenager.. i have this very strong feeling, i won't be with her. but yeah, it's just the matter of time. i'm crushed, really. sigh. i think this was really meant for me. all i deserve is just all this. being happy only exist once in awhile, or maybe i don't show it to people i know. sigh..
green green green:)
at 2:15 am
i finally took off my guestbook. that has been long on my blog. and now, since everyone is using tagboard, guestbook is no more a popular to visit and sign. so i took it off. from now on, people can just easily tag me, so what are you all waiting. type type type!
green green green:)
at 12:19 am
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
nip/tuck is back on channel 5.
so my 2nd day of my holiday went quite well. though i think i'm quite tired. hahaha and i've been thinking lots of stuff and all i could is just hope and pray for the better. but that didn't really stop me from really making use of my holiday. so it started out in the morning, it was a lovely weather to sleep in. it was quite cooling coz it was drizzling and we had to wake up coz we planned to play soccer near bukit panjang area. it was quite fun and of coz tiring. we played from 10 till 1. then i thought of meeting her which suddenly change my mind coz i thought she was getting ready for work, so i didn't ask. anyway, i did went for lunch at bukit panjang plaza, kfc. and the kfc there, they're damn stingy. the 2 piece chicken isn't feeling at all. and the mountain dew suck! i'm never going to eat there again.
moving on, we were planning where to go next and we ended up at jurong library. i don't know why we went there but it's quite relaxing going there, it's not really a library you know. there's noise, pri school kids in uniform running around. and i have no idea there was a security guard patrolling that area. haha it's more like some teen's corner. hahaa.. anyway, i don't like going to the library although it's very peaceful and all. it's just that i hate to be surrounded with book. hmm not really hate la, coz i just don't really read them unless it's very very very interesting to me. tomorrow, it's a thursday, which a another normal weekday. haha. i plan to stay at home, maybe cut my hair, i hate long hair, i can't stand it. i will soon look like ronald macdonald. or look like wolverine. whatever it is, i'm going to cut it, long hair just doesn't fit me.
did you watch the new visa advertisement. about that orang utan and all, it amuses me. hahaha. but i prefer the old one where it's about that "Mr Brosnan?!" hahaha. that 'tuk tuk', a motor taxi in thailand. haha i've took that once before. and it was very long ago. ahh those were memories. haha.. and at that time, my late grandmother was still here. that i think was the first time i took the plane to thailand. hahaha that was the only nicest family gathering we had together. yesterday, my father brought back ice kacang for my mother and nasi lemak for me. hmm i felt so comfortable, i mean being this family, we seldom have gathering. you see most families would have dinner together but down here. we have our own rules. when you're hungry, you it. there's no togedda-gedda here. hahaha but we're all a happy family. i just hope our family could be free from sorrows we've all face since don't know when. anyway, here's a picture i like about the trip to thailand long ago we took..
i know my father look like some stoner. hahahah. i don't know what pose i was giving but yeah, i was only 5 or 6 years old at that time. i don't even know what being miserable is all about also.
ohh. and not forgetting, i am still thinking and missing her badly. it's like we've never met for a long time. i don't know. i feel like messaging her later but i'm afraid she'll be busy. i don't want to disturb her. hmm i don't know. i'll see how. the nicest emo song to listen now is Hand Down by Dashboard Confessional. i quite like the lyrics too. Enjoy downloading you pirates!
green green green:)
at 10:37 pm
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Star Wars Horoscope for Sagittarius |
 You are superbly wise and have been known to spread your wisdom widely. You are impatient and pushy when people take your teachings too lightly. And your philosophical side always peeks through. Star wars character you are most like: Yoda |
Your #1 Match: INFJ |
The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher. |
Your #2 Match: ENFJ |
The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist. |
Your #3 Match: ISFJ |
The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist. |
Your #4 Match: ESFJ |
The Caregiver You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first. A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change. You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project. You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people. You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher. |
Your #5 Match: INTJ |
The Scientist You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems. Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized. You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others. Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you. You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer. |
green green green:)
at 9:14 pm
ok so my tuesday was alright. ahmad came to my house to take his electric guitar back and in return he gave me his acoustic. thanks! now i just need afew more strings and abit of tuning and voila! i'll be practicing learning guitar by myself. i can't wait to learn a new instrument. my organ is very dusty now. anyway moving on, i was doing abit of quizzes coz i was really bored. i thought of staying at home for the next few days coz i'm broke. it's all been use for my wonderful bill expenses and my daily school. since now i have no more, i'm planning to rot, probably get sick of it, and then die sadly. damn i sound so sad. i'm a sad man.
ok so at least tomorrow i get to out and have fun a little, but not really coz i'm still broke. hahaha. we'll be playing soccer in the morning. and then i don't know where they're going. i'll probably just follow them or maybe i don't know, meet her before her work starts. damn i can't believe i'm missing her so badly. although we messaged till late whee hours of nearly 3am. i know my bill's going to fly la. hahaha. and my mother, sister and my father will yakyakyakyak. and then i'll just get sick of it and ignore them. anyway, i hope she's really doing fine at work now. i hope things are going well for her now. i hope she won't have to work after this month. i hope all of this mess i've made up will be cleared soon. i don't know if all of this is going the right way. all i could do is just sit and hope and wish. maybe later i think i shall message her how she's doing. i think she'll be working till late for the next few days. i just hope and pray she's alright. :) i'm also hoping things would turn out how the way we wanted.
yes this is my soft side. laugh at me, shoot me, kill me.
green green green:)
at 8:35 pm
ok so my tuesday was alright. ahmad came to my house to take his electric guitar back and in return he gave me his acoustic. thanks! now i just need afew more strings and abit of tuning and voila! i'll be practicing learning guitar by myself. i can't wait to learn a new instrument. my organ is very dusty now. anyway moving on, i was doing abit of quizzes coz i was really bored. i thought of staying at home for the next few days coz i'm broke. it's all been use for my wonderful bill expenses and my daily school. since now i have no more, i'm planning to rot, probably get sick of it, and then die sadly. damn i sound so sad. i'm a sad man.
ok so at least tomorrow i get to out and have fun a little, but not really coz i'm still broke. hahaha. we'll be playing soccer in the morning. and then i don't know where they're going. i'll probably just follow them or maybe i don't know, meet her before her work starts. damn i can't believe i'm missing her so badly. although we messaged till late whee hours of nearly 3am. i know my bill's going to fly la. hahaha. and my mother, sister and my father will yakyakyakyak. and then i'll just get sick of it and ignore them. anyway, i hope she's really doing fine at work now. i hope things are going well for her now. i hope she won't have to work after this month. i hope all of this mess i've made up will be cleared soon. i don't know if all of this is going the right way. all i could do is just sit and hope and wish. maybe later i think i shall message her how she's doing. i think she'll be working till late for the next few days. i just hope and pray she's alright. :) i'm also hoping things would turn out how the way we wanted.
yes this is my soft side. laugh at me, shoot me, kill me.
green green green:)
at 8:35 pm
Monday, May 16, 2005
i finally receive the letter from the MINDEF. that's mean it's goodbye friends, family and all. and also her. i think. hmm.. i'll be away for 2 years, but i'm hoping i get to go higher nitec first. i really want to go there and finish my ITE career there. and then after NS, i probably apply for poly and then head on to NIE for my PE teacher course. it's a long way, but i'm going to work on it. i want to be a PE teacher. i think i've set that as my goal to be achieved..
green green green:)
at 11:17 pm
I always like to be by the beach
It's like the only place that could be reached
I always thought I could free my mind
Over there, I don't care about the time
It's been awhile since I've been there
Maybe there're too many things to take care
Maybe I found someone whom I could share with
Someone I dreamt I could be with
Now I don't have to be there to be free
Because I feel lively when you're with me
We'll enjoy every moment we have together
We'll overcome all our fears together.
I'm sitting by the beach, writing about us
Whatever it is, it's just not a lust
Everything will be pure about you and me
I'll promise I'll make you happy
i don't know if all of this is going the right way. i have nothing more to say. i realised where i'm standing.. i better go and rest and forget about all of my negative thoughts. they're not helping obviously. same goes if i think positively. so i'm just going to let time tell. if it tells the bad news, i'll probably be dead by then. if it's good news, which everyone likes to hear. that would be good. then we'll start anew.. good night for the meantime. i will have my short nap now.
green green green:)
at 5:18 pm
finally holiday will start officially tomorrow. i have just finished my exams today. it was quite alright, afew of them were tricky and tough. i did manage to complete them. it's all over now. anyway, we ended quite early and our class, afew of them, mainly the few minority of us went to have lunch together. probably the last time in uniform. so we went far east, cahaya to have our lunch there. it wasn't quite a pleasant meal but it did made us quite full because we were quite hungry. so then after that, we ddn't really walk much because we were damn tired, especially me. i don't know why but ya. anyway, we head down to borders because i thought of buying for her something nice, well i think it is something nice to me. but i'm not sure if there's any use in it.
yesterday was my worse time ever. i don't know if i'm going the right way, i don't if she's feeling okay. i just hope that someday, we all would feel happy and not to remember what is actually happening now. i don't want this to be remembered. she's lost, i thought i could talk things out with her, but i failed to, infact, i'm such a hopeless in this. shoot me somebody please. i just hope we get to sort things out the way we did before. i hope all of these would end as soon as possible, i don't want us to be in misery.
green green green:)
at 3:54 pm
Saturday, May 14, 2005
ohh.. when was the last time i sat and rot at home. and not forgetting i did study abit! although i didn't go the library but still i studied abit! big improvement la! anyway still i was quite bored at home. hahaha.. didn't go out because yea i just felt like staying home and i don't know when was the last time i did that. i did get to watch simpsons and malcom in the middle. hahaha. and i just had my dinner, it was superb la! i'm feeling damn damn full right now. so moving on, i'm going to do abit more studying later and then maybe i'll leave up all till tomorrow. though i'm working for the whole day or until 3pm, but i hope everything goes well. i've been thinking how is she doing and all.. and i kinda miss her. i know that i should take a step back, i should know where i'm standing but oh well. i can't help it. she's working now, been working alot. i don't know if she's really tired and all. i just hope she's doing fine. :) anyway, i'm off to digest my food. to the sofa! -beams-
green green green:)
at 8:31 pm
Friday, May 13, 2005
I walk a lonely road
The only one that i have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
.I.walk.alone.I.walk.alone.I.walk.alone.I.walk.alone.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
`Til then I walk alone.
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone
.I.walk.alone.I.walk.alone.I.walk.alone.I.walk.alone.
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
`Til then I walk alone.
I walk this empty street on the Blvd of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
`Til then I walk alone.
green green green:)
at 11:18 pm
i'm not the mr nice guy. i probably spoil everyone's life.
it was a so called wonderful morning to start out going to school. as you all know it was the friday the 13th, though i never really bothered about the the dates and supertitious. just thought like wow, it's friday the 13th. so anyway, we did some cleaning in the workshop and had our theory test today. everything went quite well. i cleared my stuff out of the locker and my bag today was heavy i tell you, i had my safety shoes, my dustcoat and my other books. so now, it's up till monday till i'm ready for my exams. i just hope it's over and done with. but i got way so many things up my head, i just hope i can just empty it all out la. probably have this such bottle that can keep all my thoughts in it and throw somewhere and never be seen again. negativity rules over me again.
so school ended quite early and so i decided to go borders to check some stuff i thought of buying a gift for her. i did manage to find but i'm broke and i don't think i'll get anything. i know it's the thought that counts but i thought of being intiative and all. but like what every entry is proven, i'd probably screw things up. so had to leave early for friday's prayers. went to harbourfront mosque and we made there just on time. phew! so after that went to eat and i didn't know what to do for that moment and thought of meeting up with her but she didn't reply so i went back home. i'm feeling quite tired now coz i've been sleeping late this few days, i just keep thinking more and more stuffs. i can't believe i could write 2 writings in 2 days. and it's weird coz one of them is a happy one and the other is the opposite. i don't know i just wish i had that bottle to keep all my everything and throw it all to sea.
i decided not to go for tomorrow's hockey because i felt like i need to do some studying. maybe i was thinking of going to the library. or somewhere i could just arrange all my torn and scattered notes and books and work them slowly for the whole day tomorrow. sadly i'll be working on sunday and monday is my exam. nothing is going well for me now and i know that, i just wish i could let anyone know i'm TROUBLED! I NEED HELP. I NEED A PSYCHIATRIST. i need to lie on that black sofa and being asked about myself. ok i'm overreacting but it's true.
i'm back in the mood for listening to stone music again because that's the only way i won't feel stressed out and all. especially when i'm going to be broke and i need to pay for my bills. i know my pay for this month too wouldn't be that much coz i think i'm only working for 4 or 5 days in all the weekends this month. so it sucks. everything is not going fine. i just hope i can get to force myself to study tomorrow. i need that gpa point to boost for my higher nitec qualification. because i think the only thing that would make my happy is something that i want it to be achieved, and that is to become a PE teacher. that would be the happiest day ever. till then, i just hope something would happen, something good, something that would cheer me up, something nice, something that is not my dreams, something true, something every average person would want. i don't know if it'll be true.
green green green:)
at 10:32 pm
Thursday, May 12, 2005
ok, i'm feeling so relieved right now. i finally finished my practical! so tomorrow i still have school because we've not done our theory test yet so tomorrow it shall be. while most of my friends in aerospace are rotting and i don't what they're doing at home. group 1 in my class also have no school coz they've already finished the module and they're damn lucky, i don't know why. it's always us, the group2 people have to leave school late, have school while everyone is enjoying at home.
today in the morning, the weather was shiok la! i like when it rains in the morning. not because you get to sleep and all but it's that cold feeling in the morning you know. it's damn nice la! i hope it rains again tomorrow. hahaha. anyway, enough about weathers. monday i'll be sitting for both my Turning and Milling module paper. i'm working the day before my exam. i hope i can get to force myself to study at least some of it within this 3 days. i know i'm not some smart ass willing to sit and learn somewhere, not even at home. i'm easily disturbed. ok, i'm off to raid my fridge. i'm craving for chocolates.
green green green:)
at 9:35 pm
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hopelessly Romantic Geezer Named Alfred
What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla
i start out my wednesday going quizilla.com and start doing nonsense quizzes. it's a boring wednesday but the sun is shining at least. it's quite windy too. i hope it'll be a nice day. i don't think i'll be going out unless i'm asked to go out. it's going to be 1pm and i've not bathed. shit. ok.. i think i better stop using the computer and bathe. it's a beautiful yet boring wednesday. all those people in school, maintain. :D hahahhaa.
Enjoy!
green green green:)
at 12:52 pm
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
it was quite a sunny morning until around 9 plus when it started to get quite dark. i think it rained the whole of singapore just now. anyway, whatever it is, i'm happy how everything went. although i screwed up my test abit today. but it's ok. i had lunch with Sara near her place and then we head to causeway point aimlessly. i don't know why, then she had to leave because she was working today from 5 till 11. i hope she's doing alright now. :)
tomorrow there will be no school coz in the morning, the lesson we have is already finished or something because we've already done all our coursework and project. then in the afternoon i don't have to come for my practical because i've done all my coursework too. i like that module in the afternoon. i think i quite the grinding module. NOT THE OTHER GRINDING, i know what you're all thinking of, you sick bastards!
so that means i'll be free the whole day! and that means i get to wake up late! and that means i can sleep late today! whoooo! i hope this would be as what it is now because i don't want it to change and have class either in the morning or afternoon. ohh! so Sara and i were planning to go to the night safari in the evening. because she i think she wants to bring her cousins along. yep, i've been there like only 3 times. the first time was the pri4 camp where hanis ate lots of onion ring and at night, he was farting in his sleep. that time night safari still got A&W. then the second i forgot when was it. the third time was the induction for my work. but i didn't really get to know the place. so i think if we're really going tomorrow, i'll probably know the place well. anyway i'm off to wash myself. i just woke up from a nice afternoon nap. haha and it's 8 now.
i hope she's still doing ok at work, i think she's quite tired.
green green green:)
at 7:40 pm
Monday, May 09, 2005
let's make this a quick entry.
ok. we've sort things out! and i'm happy the way it turn out.
i hope she's feeling better now. :)
i'm having a test tomorrow, i've not done my part yet! :D
i've been sneezing since after i bathe when i got home just now.
i think need sleep! tomorrow.
wish me luck in everything! especially something! :D
green green green:)
at 9:56 pm
Sunday, May 08, 2005
firstly, i'd like to wish my mother a Happy Mother's Day. i hope she enjoys the wonderful dinner i bought for her. actually it was for both my mother and my sister but my sister went back home already so ya. anyway the rojak was damn feeling and the murtabak too, but the curry wasn't that feeling but ya, i hope she enjoyed her chin chow also.
second, it was really a gloomy sunday and so far, nothing had gone right(as usual). i had a match in the afternoon and i think i injured my whole left leg, from my ankle to my thighs. i don't know what i've done also. we lost that match 3-2. i wasn't playing well due to maybe i'm still thinking too much, but nonetheless, i've always played like shit, so no excuses.
i'm still left alone with questions, i'm still confused, i'm still hoping for the better, but most people would say, it is no use and all. i have my doubts too but i'm not willing to think about those doubts because i know i might overcome those doubts. i don't if things could work out, i'm having this strong feeling it would work out, but it'll turn out as a disappointment.
tomorrow school is quite free for our class because we've already finished our cousework and assignment but on tuesday we have a theory test and then thursday, we'll know if we pass our coursework and assignment for that particular module. and the week after that, it'll be our exam. one whole day paper from 8am-12pm. two papers, both theory. i don't think i could concentrate with revision this week, i have way too many things on my head. how i just wish i could clear things out.
it may sound funny and weird, but i still like her, i still do. although after much listening from others point of view. i'm trying to prove them wrong.
anyway, thanks to all my friends. i know you've all had somehow been there. thanks.
green green green:)
at 8:38 pm
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
second day of my miserable miserable miserable day in school. exam is just 2 weeks from now and i'm not doing any improvements. i've not done my "revision" or at least do something about it. instead i'm full with doubts, feelings, i was practically just staring into the soccer field either that or i'm just lost.
i have to be strong on myself. get up, and start realising i'm left far behind. i got to get up and think that my high hopes will never come true. since i can't get things right, i might just as well try my very best to forget whatever that has happened. but i;m not willing to, not now, not ever i hope.
she has obviously found someone whom she could rely on, and definately, i don't think i'm even there. whom she could confide to and be secure with. maybe i was just being to optimistic, having that very very high hope that one day i could just let her know. it won't come true now. i guess i'll be that same old johan who wets his pants whenever it comes to girls.
this is me, i've been blogging sad sad stuff since i've started blogspot.
from 2003 and still having it type out till today. whatever entry it may be, the conclusion will always end up a sad one.
haha i obviously know my life is screwed.
my life with something that has just badly torn apart, screwed.
my school life, screwed.
my hockey life, screwed. nv achieved for combined schools.
my future, i know it'll be screwed somehow. i won't be a PE teacher.
i've practically screwed my life ever since primary 5. it's no use looking back anyway. i can't change anything now, like how i failed to fall for a girl i thought i knew she was, definately the girl i like.
on a brighter note, i'm still living today.
green green green:)
at 9:29 pm
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
i just can't accept the fact.
green green green:)
at 10:27 pm
so much for the positive stuff
i think i'm going to be sick. i've been having non stop flu, been sleeping late, working for the past 3 days, and whatever that's in my mind now is not doing any good. i think i have to miss today's hockey training or else i'll be really sick. but at the same time i feel like going coz that's the only way to forget whatever that has happened. all of this would'nt have happened if i wasn't stupid enough what is actually happening. obviously it's all my fault. i've ruined own life la. i don't know where's my mind thinking. i don't know how i'm going to pay all my bills. my handphone was the worst among the few. i'm totally broke now and i need to pay as soon as possible, i don't think my pay is enough for all these. i think i'm too young to think of all these.
time passes slowly. i just can't let go of all the things i've tried. i've never tried so much just for someone i like before. i guess this would be my first and last.. i just can't let go of everything i've tried. i knew i've done my best. at least i tried now, guess it's over and a total waste of time. haha what more can i say. school today was quite alright, obviously i'm still thinking about what has happened. i think it's up to me forget the past or live with sorrows. i don't know if it is already the past.. i don't wish to think it's the past but i have to accept the fact. it would be my last Hi and Goodbye, last Hi and Goodbye to her.
before i knew this happened, i typed this on my handphone while looking outside from my house. the red clouds were moving so slowly.
Looking at the clear sky
I'm keeping my hopes high
Let's spend more time often together
I want to get to know you better
Let's go out
We'll have no doubts
With you, I feel so free
Just want to make you happy
We'll spend the night
Looking at these beautiful city lights
You'll be here by my side
I'll promise to hold you tight
sigh.. now all of that has loooooong gone i think.
but obviously i just can't accept the fact.
i think i'm off to take my medicine now.
green green green:)
at 4:46 pm
Monday, May 02, 2005
Tired, Sad, Confused.
i'm just mostly sad. i feel devastated.
ok so here i am, it has been a tiring weekend. been working non stop till today. what's more, i'm broke! and my handphone bill is shooting up the sky! at least i think it WAS for a good reason.. until i just knew some stuff. lots of things happened during the weekend and last week, lots of ups and downs. i guess that should be normal. i hope things would just turn out for the better. school for me is still is usual, only that now i have been having phase tests and assignments for my coursework. soon, i will be sitting for my exams, soon i will be be having my holiday, soon it will be june 20th and who knows, i might just be back in school for AI attachment or attached in some company. all i just want to know is that whatever i do, i'll aim for higher nitec. i seriously need that cert to continue to poly. i want to be a PE teacher. i think i want to teach art too. everything i hope would come true. let's pray for it.
tomorrow school starts again, i have theory lesson in the morning and it will be quite relax in the afternoon unless we still have somemore small assignments. then after that it will be PE. whee! but i guess my class would be interested to go, so it's just taking the attendance and back home. i think. next week and the week after would be my last few weeks in school and then after that i'm back for my exams and done, i will be having my holiday. so far i'm not looking forward to anything. i have lots of stuff in my mind. and nothing about it is good news. that is expected i guess. i'm just feeling so devastated. i don't think can sleep.
anyway, i wrote this quite long ago after realising something hurtful enough has happened. i feel like i'm lost, i don't know. i just think i'm not meant to last for anything i want to have. i can never have. it's sad yet quite confusing. i just wish all the best to them, i didn't know she was attached, i didn't know that i was actually interrupting their relationship. i was just an obstruction, just a lost fellar popped out from nowhere. this is all wrong. just so wrong. i think i'm just being a mess to everyone's life. all the best to her anyway.
I think I'm losing you
But I'm hoping it's not true
I've fallen for you
but i don't know if you know it's true
I think this is it
I don't think we'll ever meet
I don't know what to do
I just wish I could tell you
I actually like you
We'll have our last 'Hi'
Also our last 'Goodbye'
i've never been in this situation. it's so hurtful. but i guess sadly, life has to go on with scars that stained us. i just wish all of this didn't happened at first. i would not have interrupted them if i knew that they're together. it's too late, i can't say anything. now i feel like i'm a busy body, lamp post, light bulb, anything close related to it.. argh.. i feel so stupid. STUPID! i am really one big time loser.
green green green:)
at 12:24 am
Sunday, May 01, 2005
here we come!
benji, mei ping, hanis, johan, ahmad and me.
green green green:)
at 10:44 pm
