Talk Show On Mute

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

soundcheck: dekat padamu - yusry

i like that song alot! i don't know why. thumbs up. tomorrow, i'll be happy to enjoy the whole day with her. i hope her smiles would just enlight my whole day. :)

i'm off, talking on the phone.

green green green:)
at 10:12 pm

Monday, August 29, 2005

soundcheck: Mr E's Beautiful Blues - Eels

okok. so for the past few days it was quite hectic. i had work non stop and i was very sleepy and tired because i had little of sleep. i blame myself for talking on the phone till late. well, it's quite addictive you see, you won't really feel tired at that time, but once you put the phone down, it'll be a different story. anyway, about work, i'm beginning to hate myself from working in the zoo. i think the fun of working in the zoo no longer is there. the people i work with aren't interesting like how they use to be. my brother in law is changing department, some new people is taking over the zoo and they're more than strict over small matters. i can't believe that she actually said, i am one of those who has been targated. another 2 was ahmad and mahendran. i kind of hate the new system. we can't talk malay to our colleagues or any other language or there'll be a fine of $1. what f*cking system is that? they got no rights to say that. it's not like we use it infront of the guests or anything. ohh zoo sucks suddenly.

nono, other than that the people are still fine. i hope this won't affect me or anything. i just can't stand it that's all. it's too much, they want to have a counselling for all part timers which i think it's shit! anyway, i don't care about it. i just hope she won't ever disturb me can already.

alright, hanis will turn 18 this friday. i hope that everyone would turn up for this dinner. i have a feeling that we're all losing contacts. we're no more like how we use to be, we were all close to each other and now slowly, all of us are drifting apart. it's quite sad actually. hmm, i'm actually trying to get this friday really work out, but i don't know. no one seem so enthusiast or hmm, interested about it. i don't know i just thought that maybe we should really keep in touch. all of us have been friends for a long time, and i don't want it to end here. i guess those are one of the circle of friends i really treasure. oh well, we'll see how then.

i just realised thursday is teachers' day. i'll get to go back my secondary school probably. see the teachers there and tell them i'm such a loser. i won't survive outside.

hmm, i'm quite happy today. she made my day. not any particular reasons just that i like the way when she smiles. it really brightens up my day. :) i hope to see her soon someday again. i hope she's also having fun with her holidays. i love her and i just hope nothing so bad would come in between us again. we're still searching for the settlement, for that compromising thing, come to a balance... i'm looking forward and hoping for that. her birthday is on this month too and i've still not figured out what to buy for her yet. i actually planned on going sentosa and spend the day with her. i thought it's quite nice actually. hmm we'll see how.

a brand new day tomorrow....... NOT! hahahaha!

green green green:)
at 9:41 pm

Thursday, August 25, 2005

soundcheck: lovefool - the cardigans

i just got back from the 4 nations. met my long lost friends. hahaha. watched quite alot of nice stick works. i always dreamt of playing for singapore someday. obviously that's everyone's dream in hockey if they want to achieve something. but i know i can't. i'm letting my hardwork and my stressing on my fitness and skills do the stuff. since it's already the off season, i realised that i need alot of catching up to do. i somehow need to set a fitness training schedule which i've roughly planned out. no more of slacking again. it's really back being in my secondary school life. sec 4 to be precisely. i've always been so ON about hockey and all. and for that i got paid off for playing for the premier team. now i'm working back for my position.

i need to focus on trainings now if i want to achieve something. i know my father was an athlete. he plays alot of sports, i've actually randomly just went through his trophies and medals. hell! he really did played alot of sports. running, soccer, netball, you name it lah. most they're soccer and running. now i'm following his footsteps to get at least a number of medals and trophies like how i use to during my secondary school years. i realised after i went ITE, i have grown a big belly instead of muscles. i think ITE should be more interesting on sports and wellness. not only on hands on work or lots of practical, but also fun when it comes to sports and wellness. oh well anyway, i'm really looking forward, i know this feeling will somehow just be gone, i got to keep going. just as long i work hard.

hmm, i'm actually thinking what she's doing now. i hope everything's fine for her.

green green green:)
at 9:48 pm

i've always thought listening Travis in the morning really brightens up your day.

soundcheck: walking in the sun - travis

i guess i'm off to bathe and there'll be 4 nations going on at delta. some hockey matches going on there. it'll be quite interesting. i'll be alone, probably i'll meet afew of my friends there.

green green green:)
at 1:26 pm

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

i won't really know at this time

i hope there will be someone to help me out

someone who could just work us out

so we won't have this darkest moments together ever again

right now, we are lost and i hope we will find back our path

together would could be happy as ever

like how we used to

no one shall ever stop us from that

the search begins now.

green green green:)
at 1:20 pm

Monday, August 22, 2005

soundcheck: Broken - Seether feat Amy Lee

so the one week of holiday has started for me. hurray.. i'm quite glad that things sort of went well, i met her today to somehow settle or rather try to compromise things. i guess one thing about us is just that we can't find our balance. anyway i hope things will remain as they are. honestly, i don't know how far we'll go but i just hope things to remain as what they are and just follow the flow. it's too young to stress out on things like this. besides this is my first time and my only hope is that nothing bad or worse happens. i love her still.

GOT TO STAY POSITIVE!

i got a feeling this one week of holiday won't be productive but it will be a fast one. i hope i can get rostered to work on of these days from monday till friday. then my time would fly pretty fast too. also tomorrow i'll be back for my loooooooong hockey break. i wonder whatever happened to my dreams about achieving well in hockey. i got a feeling i'm stopping it right after NS? who knows, but i hope to carry on till i'm 30+. though i know i'm not some wonderful player who can even do simple dribbling, but i guess playing until that age should be fine. my dreams about playing at least for the highest level in my club now has long gone. well i was playing for them last year for the premier league and sadly i got demoted back to division 1 due to my performance. a player could only go to that certain extend. i guess mine had to be last year. it was damn nice lah the feeling playing the premier league for the club last year. i had somehow learn some new skill and they play real fast. i was quite amazed i did quite well playing in that tournament, though there were some bloopers. hahaha. well i hope to catch up back into my good old loser days. i realised one thing i'm missing in my life right now is fitness and sports. hockey was one of them. looking forward back to normal training tomorrow. then slowly i will be back for regular trainings. i'm quite pleased.

work is going quite well actually. i'm mixing well with my colleagues. but back to my real circle of friends, i realised i've lost quite alot of them. due to different school, busy and stuff like that. i sometimes try to reach out to them but most of them are just busy with important life. unlike me, being in an ITE school, stress doesn't exist. it really does not. well, that's my theory. i don't know the new ITE though.

well i guess i'm off now. i hope i'll make use of my holiday week. goodnight.

green green green:)
at 9:36 pm

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

soundcheck: top of the world - the all american rejects.

if anything happens, i'll be up to be blamed for it.
sadly it ends soon.
time is running out.

green green green:)
at 10:42 pm

hmm i realised when i woke up this morning, i felt abit uneased. i'm not sure why though. anyway, school today was alright, it was as per normal, boring. had napfa test, but i was just being a busybody there because i've already passed mine, i was just there to waste my time. after waiting for my classmates to finish their napfa test, played abit of soccer. damn la, it's been a long time since i played soccer. but sadly, i was using my new shoes. damn it. anyway, we all had fun. it was really a humid humid day. not much of work today, i practically was floating around trying to mix around with the people in the workshop.

so everything went quite well. i'm running out of cash for the next few weeks until my next pay. i can't go watch movie, hang out with my friends or anything. speaking about hanging out. i actually wanted to meet her today but she was busy. hmm i've not received any messages from her yet. i kind of miss her, my day was quite quiet without her messaging. oh well, i hope she's alright. tomorrow, another boring day. i am going to die of boredom in school. i have no more production coming so it's all the way stone, berbatu, keras, anything that is related to staring at nothing.

imissherbad.
shouldicallher?
don'tknowwhat'sshe'sdoingnow.
shouldicallher?
imissherrealbad.
that'snotrandom.

green green green:)
at 8:37 pm

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

soundcheck: get it faster - jimmy eat world

the day today started out abit quite late for me. woke up at around 8 plus to get ready for my cmbp medical check up. i was late or so by 18 mins. lucky me it wasn't something bad. my father fetch me from queenstown mrt station to the place, depot road. somewhere near bukit merah. well reach there around 9.40+, had my name taken down and all. then i was directed into some room where the real stuff began. hmm my 1st station was the urine test, it was disgusting! the give a dipstick and a cone cup to fill ur urine up. i know i'm going to be a man soon, but it's still disgusting. anyway, heading on, i was then showed to the 2nd station where the checked my mouth, more of a dental room. i had to go to some radiation room too. the after that i proceeded to the x ray room. after that i had to go inside this room where we have to strip to our shorts and all. it was quite cold in there.

it was damn funny and all inside there. was trying to start conversation with people beside me and all. i hate the part where one of the officers asked me if i smoke and i said no. and he said, you don't smoke. NO?! i fucking don't you fucking dick. just because i'm a mat that does not prove i smoke, you want to smell my fucking bad breath dickhead. i wish i could tell him off, but i rather have my respect, who knows he might be one of my officers someday. ohh, then there was one room i had to to pull my shorts to my knees, and they were asking if i had join a gang, homosexual, smoking. damn funny lah, it would be weird of me laughing infront of all the officers by myself so i tried to control them. the most sickening part of the medical check up was the computer questionaire and the shading of questionaire. i spent nearly 2hours doing both. i got tired of counting the numbers in seqeunce and the shading part was damn tiring also.

after all the hours spent inside the building, i took a long walk from there to bukit merah interchange, walked around the find a bus home. and was walking along the old hdb branch. found a bakery shop and they sell nice bakery stuffs. i bought the eclairs and CREAM PUFF!!!!! i don't know when was the last time i had that, it was sooo freaking delicious lah! i am unfornately craving for it again. damn it. the bus ride was damn nice. got a little sleepy. the eclairs and the cream puff was nice, ate those inside the bus. plus the ribena. i have wasted $8 plus today one batteries, sweet, bakeries stuffs and a drink.

hmm ohh ya, i actually bought a new album. the all american rejects. nice album. just that i can't read their lyrics on the album. i have to go to the internet to check it out. shiok album. their album now is quite faster and heavier compared to the old album.

i had a short nap over at my sister place just now, i'm sort of wide awake, it woke me up thinking about her then. i was thinking how she was doing and all coz school has just ended at that time. i love her. was thinking so much. oh well, she's online now. i'm talking to her.

i need to bathe and then pray. it's really been a long time since i've prayed when i come home, i'll get so tired and so wrecked. but actually that is not the best excuse. infact it's never an excuse if you're finding ways not to pray. i've been a bad son. honestly.

green green green:)
at 7:19 pm

Thursday, August 11, 2005

school was once again not very interesting and i was stoning one corner, then this was what i typed on my handphone. is somewhat like an eblogging thingy but i was stoning coz being so low since morning did not help me at all.

9.43am.
i'm in school right now. i'm feeling very low. i've made my mistakes. i just can't stop thinking about her. we are still having difficulty with our problems, well my problems to be precise. i don't want to lose her but something tells me i am, because of my stupidity. i wish i had my friends to talk things out with me right now so that i could find a solutionto sort things out with her. i don't know. we're no longer the same. i'm afraid of messaging her now, talking on the phone or even meet her. i don't know if she's having difficulty in school. i don't want her to think so much. her school starts at 1. i might just message her later to ask if she's alright. i'm having my break and i don't think i have any space left to type on myhp. well i'm off. i'm making this erase and never come back, if it does, i'm a let down. i hope she's alright...

that was a rough summary of my day till about 9.40plus. i was still quite sad and all. hmm school was actually fine. we had no production to do yet. but i was very tired. i'm feeling quite relieved actually, i've settled partially all my debts for this month.

well today's ahmad birthday. he's coming over my house for dinner. along with benji, mahendran and siti. i guess hopefully i won't spoil their day, especially ahmad's.

AHMAD,
SELAMAT HARI JADI!

green green green:)
at 6:59 pm

soundcheck: guns n roses - don't cry

i can't get to sleep. i'm thinking so much. i hope she understands me. i guess hanis was right afterall, all i needed was just people by my side, to motivate me, to support. im so dependent. hmm an advice will make everything go fine. but i can't depend on that now. i'm rarely with my friends or her.

i spoilt her day, honestly. i know nothing about relationships. i guess i'm not ready. it's really sad. i want my normal life back. my own screwed loser life back.

green green green:)
at 12:47 am

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

school was very boring today alright. i took time off only for about 1 hour plus because my father brought me to this old dental clinic and it was quite shitty actually. i didn't get any MC and so i have to be back in school. punched my card back around 12.30pm. my tooth really hurts damn bad. actually it hurts since 3am today. of course, my whole day today was quite dull and irritating because of my tooth. ok so stayed back till 4plus. took a bus back, decided to take a long journey home so that maybe i could have abit of rest or something. came home around 6 plus. bathed and then changed to go to a real dental clinic, the dentist discovered i was having a gum infection, decay and all. anyway, he did something with it. of coz i've not been taking care or my teeth.

i'm feeling better now, no more pain. i'm just lost, confused, sad, everything. i can't stop thinking what i've done. i kept thinking about her. i thought of meeting her today, but i knew things would've gone screwed up. it's not her fault. it's like everything we do, everything MUST clash. i messaged her quite afew times, was quite worried at that time, then i thought maybe she didn't bring her handphone. she had 2 lines, i tried both lines. obviously i didn't care about my bills at that time coz i thought it's really important. oh well, i thought of meeting her tomorrow, but i dare not ask, i knew what it'll be. i'm just really lost.

it suddenly made me reminded that i wrote a situation same to this.

Vanished From This Town
Why do we have to stop here?
Why do we have to end with tears?
Looks like everyone has their own ways.
And I'm standing here alone, and I've got nothing else to say.

Slowly, I'm being pushed to the back of the picture, crying.
And soon, I'll find myself disappearing.
It was all so fine.
And we have to end up here when it's not our time.

Is this how the story ends?
Is this how the story was meant?
All I know is that there's no use stopping.
Coz now to me, life is changing,
And at the same time, it's fading.

i'm missing her so much, yet, i'm afraid of telling her that. i don't know what will she say. i kept thinking about her the whole day in school, it's really scary. it sounds like as if i'm obsessed. but i don't know. i don't think it's obsession. but i was worried. i just feel like my days are much quiet right now. i have no friends to be with. she's busy these days. i can't seem to ask her out, i dare not. but anyway, i guess this would help. i have my computer, i have my discman, i have useless life to lead, i have my book to write out all my feeling.

green green green:)
at 10:07 pm

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

i feel so sad and useless.
so helpless.

i don't know sometimes what i did was right or wrong. i've done nothing good to her.

work was alright, im tired.

i miss her so much somehow.

goodnight sad world..

green green green:)
at 10:57 pm

Monday, August 08, 2005

ok, i have the mood to blog now. hmm but the feeling now is random, so it i might not continue blogging if i have no mood.

hmm so national day is tomorrow. Happy National Day. unlike you people who can wake up till 6pm in the evening tomorrow, we have to work from 8 till 6pm. after that god knows where we're going. it's just like any other day to me tomorrow. i feel like i'm not making use of my holiday. well, i already know that my life is wasted. might as well just waste it more. i've already settled my bills today. i'm hoping myself not to use my handphone alot. please please give me some sort of a barrier that only seldom i can use the phone. my left over debts are the watch i bought and another one still repairing. not forgetting i need to pay my mother is sister back, and my concession pass. did i spelt that correctly? anyway, once all of that has been settled, i can set my mind freeeeee.

well not really free though, i'm thinking so much about the relationship between me and her. but i don't wish to talk about it nor to think about it. it's really sad sometimes when the bad matters keep on popping out of nowhere. especially, when we try to talk about it and forget about it. somehow it'll just keep coming and coming. i'm really scared though coz i don't know much about being in a relationship. but there's always something new to learn and i am somehow going to take these bad times as a one big major lesson i'm supposed to go through.

i can't help it actually, i mean other than school, now all i worry about is us, bills and things happening at home. my circle of friends has long gone. some attached companies, the others too busy with school life. and i'm not any closer to my family, i am slowly drifting away from them, i know they're an important part in my life but i just can't open up to them. being with sara today was something i wouldn't call it a nice one but i guess somehow i feel like at least someone to hear the shitty story of mine. bu obviously no one has the whole time in them to listen.

that's why i wrote something like "sitting alone under the tree....". i guess being alone by the beach really sets your mind free. i mean, even when you're not alone. but it'll be better if you're with group or just someone who could just spend time with. friends, family. to me, my favourite part about being by the beach is enjoying the breeze, the coconut trees leaves starts to rattle, the waves, people playing games. it's really nice. but so far, i've never been there alone. hmm maybe if i were to go there alone someday, i'd bring my pencil case, my writing book, my discman, and a list of my cds. and not forget money to buy some delicious food eating by the beach. keropok (crackers) lah. sit down there for like an hour or so, and then just take a stroll along the beach. thumbs up.

but i don't know. i think i'm too emo right now. all i need is just abit of advice from friends or anyone, abit of the movitation.

these 2 songs have been playing in my head since yesterday, i kept playing the 2 songs from home to school, school to home.

sum 41 - noots
fall out boy - get busy living or get busy dying.
should download!

alright, i guess i'm off. hmm i wonder what she's doing now. i really do need to talk to her. somehow i'm hoping nothing bad would happen. i hope she's doing fine. just don't want her to think of anything and always be strong. hmm should message her later. i thought i could make it up to her on wednesday to watch movie, but i got a feeling she might not be free. hmm we'll see how. anyway, i really hope she's doing ok.

so long lucky people. we all work tomorrow. i lead a sad life.
goodnight.

green green green:)
at 9:01 pm

i know this hurts. it was meant to.
fall out boy - get busy living or get busy dying

so my day didn't went smoothly so far. i somehow spoilt my day and hers. don't ask why. am not bringing the topic.

this song is stuck in my head. been playing it on my way to school, back home. i came late to school today. punched my card 8.08am. be prepared to stay back on friday till 4.30pm.

i can't think of anything so good today. well, i guess if i have something, i'll blog later.
i need to rest.

Sitting alone under a tree
Wondering, what my life would be?
Stood across the ocean
I don't know if I took the right direction

i couldn't finish this writing. i was really lost then. hmm...

anyway,
tell her, i love her.
Nor Sara Anwar

green green green:)
at 5:53 pm

Saturday, August 06, 2005

.Memory.

i found this picture we took quite long ago this year during our holiday break just before our attachement started. i quite like the picture.

soundcheck:noots - sum 41

i finally found the song from fantastic 4 soundtrack. i thought the title was no apologies. anyway, my head is stuck with the song on hanis' blog.

anyway woke up at 645, slightly later than school. got ready for work, my first day of doing something new in the zoo. i'm learning how to handle credit cards and nets and more money. well, not much of calculation though but being me, i suck at math means i suck at math. anyway, everything went pretty fine for my first day. although there were some cork ups, but i managed to cover it all up.

so anyway, siti took a halfday break, because i think that she promised her friend on going out or somthing, benjamin went MIA, i helped in for finding replacement, he will have to owe me an ice cream, ben&jerry's to be precise. after work, was quite hungry, as usual. met up with few of my schoolmates, ahmad followed along, we had dinner at a place near bugis. the chicken rice wasn't that delicious but, it made me so full, so full that i couldn't breathe. now, i never had that before everytime after i eat.

now i know i need to stop complaining like any other singaporean and start doing things. i got to work them out. for example, i need to fitness back. that means i need to do alot of self training like jogging, gym! damn? when was the last time i went there? i think i can slowly say goodbye to hockey. i've not been going for training. but i must promise myself i will be playing hockey till i'm about 20+. i know i can't go far. the least is just play for club, probably div 3. but it will be better than nothing. i just need that fitness. i wanna grow to be a sportman all my life. and my tummy is not helping at all! shit.

i've been sleeping late everyday since monday 12am, till 6.30am. then it continued till yesterday. today i had at least another 15mins extra of sleep before i really bathed and got ready for work. i know 15mins is nothing but it did made a difference lah. tomorrow i'll be working and after that probably after that we'll be going to watch movie. im not hoping for it coz i've been sleeping late and i guess tomorrow should be a day where i need to rest. i have a face which look sort of like a panda coz if my wonderful eye bags. i don't care about my looks but i care about my sleep.

so that means today i sleep 12am again. hmm i'm waiting for her call. ohh today is our 2nd months together. happy 2months! i'm not making it a big fuss, but a wish would be sweet enough i guess.

oh where oh where can my baby be?

green green green:)
at 11:22 pm

Thursday, August 04, 2005

unfornately i can't get to sleep. i've been a dick. i'm so lost right now. i'm feeling very sad. i've lost my friends, i've lost my life. i think i'm losing her. i can never picture myself so happy before. everytime i'm full with doubts, full with questions. i irritate people. i make them pissed. i realised that i'm no help to the surrounding around me. i feel it's better off for me to be left out alone.

i don't know. my life has always been screwed.

lost.

green green green:)
at 11:00 pm

souncheck: semua tentang kita - peter pan
IN DEBT!

here i am looking through all my bills. and i guess i can list them out.

1. handphone bill - $60+++
2. internet bill - $60+++
3. computer repairs - $40
4. watch repairs and all - $25 + $47

if i have any balance, they'll go to my parents and my sister. i owe them alot. especially my mother. she's been trying to help me out. it was supposedly to be the other way round. i'm supposed to support her. oh well, i hope i can settle them slowly. i don't mind not keeping the money by myself. as long i have settled the bills and all, everything should go fine. i prefer to settle the important stuff first than rather spending it on something.

ok so i'm filled with lots of stuff in my head right now. my body is not doing any good. i've been having my nose leaking everytime since sunday. lots of mucus just goes non stop. ok i admit that i've been sleeping late these few days since monday! not doing any good, not doing any good. i don't have much off day for my working days.

tomorrow i hope school would be quite relaxing. everyday i come to school, i see the same machine, i work from 8.15am till 4.30pm. i have 3 breaks, one in the morning from 9.30am till 10pm. then my lunch break will be from 12.30pm till 1.15pm. my last break would be from 3.00pm till 3.30pm. it's pretty tiring especially when i have no work to do. you tend to kill time by sleeping but that don't work. the most nicest day would be when the teacher or the instructor is in a good mood and i have lots of production to make. that i will feel very occupied.

after school tomorrow, i'll be heading to one of the mosques, than maybe meet my friends or going back home. just to kill time because maybe i might be meeting her in the evening to catch a movie. i'm not sure if it's we're really watching. i got a feeling we won't meet though.

ok i'm off to go and call her. i told her i'm calling her soon. i guess she must have been very tired from her training and her napfa today. oh well, i'm off.

i forgot to add, i think i'm really a loner now. i eat and work in school alone! fu*king sad!

so longgg.

green green green:)
at 9:04 pm

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Make A Move!

my computer is back online! back to normal blogging, normal downloading songs. my mp3, my pictures, my writings! all of them, lucky me they're safe!! i just got home an hour ago. it was sort of a last minute meeting. i met her at tampines coz she didn't had to stay back for her project and such. so we went plaza singapura to have our dinner there. on the way there, in the mrt, some pervertic guy was trying to use his phone to video the surroundings inside the train. unfortunately we were inside it and he was also trying to record the girl sitting beside him. freako.

anyway, i'm quite worried about that. that fellar could do wonders with that phone. damn that fellar, he looked so freaky lah. anyway, met ahmad and siti. they were actually on their way to mustafa. so we all had dinner together. very fun. then they had to leave for mustafa while we walked around abit and she said she was quite tired. so went to take a bus back coz her ez link has no more mrt rides left and i just thought of taking the bus. hmm..

hmmm...

we're supposed to meet tomorrow and thursday but she was busy. so i guess we're meeting on friday coz she really wants to go watch charlie and the chocolate factory. hmnm i realised that most girls are into johnny depp, did i got his name right?

ohh whatever lah. i am just glad to have my computer back.

i'm off to surf and sleep soon.

i love her lots.

green green green:)
at 10:43 pm